


destroy your feelings and let them die

by evantheworm, miraculousmultifan



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, dream's bi crisis, rated teen for swearing and emotionally heavy topics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29088960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evantheworm/pseuds/evantheworm, https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraculousmultifan/pseuds/miraculousmultifan
Summary: Karl and Sapnap make their relationship official, and it stirs up some feelings inside Dream that he would've preferred to keep in the dark. Dream loved his friends, he was happy for them, happy that they got to live their lives out and proud. But something in the pit of his chest couldn't let go of the feeling that something was wrong.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Comments: 19
Kudos: 167





	destroy your feelings and let them die

**Author's Note:**

> hey all! im back cranking out more writing. this time some dnf with the absolutely amazing miraculousmultifan. i had so much fun working on this fic and i really hope you all enjoy it as well. as always ty for reading! <3 -evantheworm
> 
> Disclaimer: all of the shipping being done in this fic is with the explicit permission of the cc's. if any of them ever express discomfort or anything of the sort about these types of fics this will be taken down.

The bright light of Dream’s phone lit up his face in the slowly fading dusk outside his room window. He was slowly scrolling through the replies on one of the most important tweets of his best friend’s life. It wasn’t exactly easy telling millions of people that you were dating someone, nonetheless dating a man (blech!). That was part of the reason he was scrolling, looking at the things people were saying, not having any time for the people that were being assholes, his friends didn’t deserve that. Most of it was overflowing support and congratulations. He laughed quietly at the few responses saying they knew the whole time and that the two acted practically married already. 

But there was an inkling of sharpness in his heart, an underlying uncomfort like an itch that wouldn’t go away no matter how much he scratched it. 

Dream couldn’t take the thoughts that were rattling around his mind-cave. He was happy for his friends. Of course, he was happy for them. But he also couldn’t shake the feeling that was reaching into his chest and tugging. Why? Why couldn’t he just be happy for them? What was stopping him?

He supported them. Of course, he did. Was it their love? Their love that could be so clearly seen in all its happiness and loveliness? Was he jealous? Of something he wanted but didn’t think he would ever get?

What exactly was he jealous of? Jealous that they had the sort of love that he could only dream of? Jealous that they were happy together? Jealous that they had the sort of chemistry that brightened a room and completed them? Jealous that they had found their other half? Their soulmate? Jealous that… 

Jealous that they were in love with their best friend?

They were in love with their best friend, and it worked out for them.

Why would he be jealous of that? Yeah, sure, _maybe_ , he didn’t feel the same way about George as he did all his other friends, but that’s just because George is special. They’d been through a lot together; it would make sense that George would hold a special place in his heart.

The problem was… He’d been through a lot with Sapnap, too. They’d been friends since they were 13, after all. Did that make George different? Different from his friends? Different from Sapnap?

_Hopefully not too much different from Sapnap._

Where had that thought come from? What exactly did it mean? Did he…

No, he didn’t. In fact, he would prove it to himself. He wasn’t gay, and he _certainly_ wasn’t in love with George.

**12:02:** how do you know if youre gay

 **12:04:** what does bisexual mean

 **12:07:** is it okay to like boys

 **12:10:** georgenotfound simp pics

 **12:40:** heatwaves

 **12:41:** heatwaves fic gream

 **1:40:** how to stop crying

 **1:45:** how to tell my best friend im in love with him

 **1:47:** george being gay for dream for 10 minutes

 **1:59:** how to stop crying

 **2:03:** help i spilled soup in my lap

 **2:13:** how to delete search history

 **2:16:** llamas

 **2:17:** cute cats

 **2:19:** hot girl with tibbibes i am completely straight

 **2:19:** how to get rid of a virus on my computer

Okay, so maybe he was wrong. Maybe he did feel a little more in his heart for George than he should’ve. Especially considering that…

That it would never work out.

It would never work out.

Dream forced that through into his mind, despite how much it hurt him. He had to shut down his thoughts right then. He wouldn’t get the same happy ending that Karl and Sapnap did. He couldn’t. That’s not how the world worked. If he got his hopes up now, the only way they could come back down was by inevitably falling and crushing him. He wouldn’t be able to get back up.

Plus, he couldn’t even think of George that way, right? Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t have anything against LGBT people, the majority of his audience was in the community, and he had spent time educating himself to make sure he didn’t accidentally get things wrong. But still, all the memories of gay being used to make fun of him for sitting on the swings instead of playing soccer with the other boys as a kid made something in his chest clench. I mean, he had dated girls, he liked them, so why did he like George too?

The word bisexual bounced around in his head and made him dizzy; he wanted so badly to be able to slap it on and accept his love for George. His friend. His best friend. But he couldn’t. It was fine, he just had to make peace with the fact that his fantasies would never be reality. He’d be fine.

Warm tears slid down his face silently. Deciding to indulge himself a little bit, he flipped on one of his playlists and set his phone next to him on the bed. He let his emotions out, settling into the blankets and letting himself go. No thoughts, just feelings that he couldn’t control anymore. His only hope was to let them all out and hope that they never came back.

Comfort by Rusty Clanton came on, the opening notes echoing through his silent room. He tried to hold back the wobbling of his bottom lip and the stinging in his chest.

_Why fall in love just to prove I still can? They offered comfort but comfort isn't you._

He couldn’t take it anymore. Soft sobs shook his chest as he tried to keep his voice down, effectively choking himself on salty drops and bubbling snot. He could feel his face blotching up and that was what did it. No one was around after all. He lived alone. Who was going to tell him off for finally letting out the feelings he was bottling up.

Dream sat up on his comforter, pressing his hands to his forehead as he sobbed violently, taking hiccuping breath whenever he got the chance. His head felt like it was spinning with the jagged pains that sparked with every breath.

Patches heard the whimpers that escaped him when another particularly real lyric shot through his heart and made him bleed. She hopped up onto his bed, stepping into his lap and snuggling closer to his chest, mewing comfortingly. He smiled as best he could, releasing his forehead to pet her, letting her soft fur lull him until he had calmed down enough to settle back into bed, immediately passing out with his darling girl laying on his chest.

**~~~**

It was 4pm on Friday, two days after Karl and Sapnap’s big announcement, and they wanted to stream for the first time since then. The hype had died down a bit, and they thought it would be the perfect time to get the “feral boys”, as Twitter had dubbed them, together to fuck around on the server. 

He slid his headphones over his ears and watched the red Mojang loading screen turn into the game’s title screen. He clicked back into his Discord and joined the VC, smiling to himself at the sounds of his friends already messing with shit and having a good time. 

Karl giggled. “Sappy! Look, look!” He waggled his eyebrows at the camera. “Our Minecraft beds are finally next to each other. Now it’s fully official!”

“Of course, Karl. We couldn’t be fully dating if we didn’t have our Minecraft beds next to each other.” Sapnap nodded solemnly before they both broke out into peals of laughter, just the same as they always were.

George mock-pouted and punched at Dream while shifting before whining, “Dreeeaaam! Why aren’t our Minecraft beds together?”

Where once Dream would’ve smoothly bantered back, his confidence had left him. Apparently, two days hadn’t been enough time for _him_. “Well, uh–”

George shrieked in delight. “Look, guys! I made him speechless! Not so confident now, are you, Dream?” He taunted.

Dream spluttered, trying to save himself from what would most definitely get clipped and immediately made trending by their overzealous fans.

“Well, I guess if you insist, come here and give me a kiss? Only once we kiss can we put our beds together. Such is the law of the SMP!”

Nice save, Dream. Ugh.

George sprinted away towards the honeymoon house that Sapnap and Karl were working on, screeching, “Ewwww, gross! Get away from me, I don’t want to kiss you!”

Dream swallowed down the lump in his throat, keeping up the act as he chased George, not feeling very cheery at all. He should be though. He was supposed to be over George. He _was_ over George. This meant nothing. He just had a little slip-up.

“C’mere, George!” He shouted, a bit louder than necessary, giving chase with obnoxious smooching noises. George giggled deliriously, still yelling for Dream to leave him alone; that a kiss from Dream was the last thing he wanted.

The rest of the stream went about how any stream with the boys did. Chaotically. After everything, Dream was very relieved when Sapnap announced that they were going to wrap up there. As much as he loved hanging out with his friends, the strained emotion weighing on him the entire stream had worn him out. As soon as everything was switched off and it was just the four of them left, Dream claimed that Patches had been whining for him and disconnected quickly. He needed more time. He didn’t know how much more, but whatever it took he would do. He’d do anything to get these nagging feelings to leave his heart and mind alone.

Dream walked into the kitchen and bent down to grab Patches’ water bowl for a refill. He set the bowl back down on the mat just in time for a ding from his phone to make him jump. What was he so nervous for? He took a deep breath to steady himself and opened his phone to see a message from Sapnap.

 **sapitus nappitus:** _hey dude whats up with you_

 **sapitus nappitus:** _you seemed off during the stream today_

Dream silently cursed his best friend for knowing him so well. Turns out, being friends with someone since you were thirteen gave them the superpower of being able to read you like a book. 

**mr sandman:** _im fine man dw_

 **sapitus nappitus:** _bullshit_

Dream sighed. As much as he wanted to, he could never get this past him. Plus, Sapnap was too stubborn to drop the subject. 

**mr sandman:** _fine_

 **mr sandman:** _i guess its about george_

 **mr sandman:** _or well_

 **sapitus nappitus:** _so you finally realized youre in love with him_

 **mr sandman:** _how did you know_

 **sapitus nappitus:** _ive known you forever man_

 **sapitus nappitus:** _you dont talk about anyone else like you talk about him_

 **sapitus nappitus:** _id even go as far as to say he is to you as karl is to me_

Dream couldn’t stop the flinch that shot through him. It was like Sapnap had taken the thoughts right out of his brain and shoved them out into the open where anyone could see. Where he had to look at it. With his own two eyes. Where he was forced to confront his feelings.

Suddenly, his screen lit up with an incoming call from Sapnap. He debated not picking up the call, but he knew he couldn’t avoid his problems forever; best to deal with this now.

“Hello.” 

“Wow, Dream, you sound so happy to see me.”

“We’re on call. I literally can’t even see you, idiot.”

“Okay whatever, shut up.” 

A small smile slipped onto Dream’s lips, Sapnap’s friendly banter calming his nerves ever-so-slightly. “So, why did you call me?” There was shifting on his end of the line as he moved from the kitchen into the living room and sat down on the couch. Well, here goes nothing.

“You know why I called you. Talk to me about how your dumb ass finally realized you’re head over heels for him.”

Dream took a deep breath. “I- um, god, Sapnap, why does he have to laugh like that and make me feel like I’m gonna pass out every time he fucking smiles.” 

Sapnap laughed softly, “Man, you’ve got it bad.” 

Dream crossed the arm not holding his phone over his chest in a mini pout. “You’re one to talk.” 

“This conversation isn’t about me. Me and Karl already got our shit together, it’s your turn.” 

Patches wandered over the couch and hopped up onto Dream’s lap, nuzzling her head into his leg. Dream ran his hands through her fur, once again providing him comfort in the face of him about to completely fall apart. 

“I just can’t, Sap. I can’t love George.” There was a soft quiet that fell over the call, only the background static to fill the silence. 

“Why not?” 

Dream stopped, the question catching him off guard. Just two little words, sending his brain into overdrive. Why couldn’t he love George? Because he would never love Dream back. Because the world didn’t work that way. If his friends got to be happy, then he wouldn’t be able to find the same happiness. There was a finite amount of happiness in the world, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to take that happiness away from his friends. He pushed down the silent thoughts that George was too good for him anyway. That people would hate him if he ever fell in love that way. 

“Dream?” 

He opened his mouth to respond, still not completely sure how to explain the whirlwind of his thoughts and worries to Sapnap. “I’m afraid. Of-of so many things.” 

He could hear Sapnap nod through the phone. “I know. It’s scary as hell, all of this. The figuring things out, the being in love. I know you, and I know George, though. And I think you should just talk to each other. You both trust each other a lot. Tell him the truth. I think you’ll end up hurting more if you don’t.”

With a quiet sigh, Dream let his head hit the back of the couch. Deep in his being, he knew Sapnap was right. That talking through things was sometimes the best way to make things better. That he and George had been friends far too long for this to break them apart. But that didn’t stop him from being absolutely terrified. 

“Okay.” He responded quietly. “I’ll talk to him.” 

“You got this dude,” Dream could hear the reassuring smile in his best friend’s voice. “Everything will be fine.”

“Hopefully.” 

“Text me or call me if you need me.” 

“Aye aye cap’in.” 

Sapnap laughed out a final goodbye before ending the call and leaving Dream to silence and his own thoughts once again. He scrolled through his contacts and stopped, his fingers hovering over the call button next to George’s contact. He could do this.

He watched his phone call George’s number, the ringing sounding both far away and too loud all at once. His hand was shaking, so he laid down on the couch. The call had been ringing for far too long. Dream was certain George wasn’t awake. Or worse… George was avoiding him.

Scared out of his mind, Dream moved to hang up onto the see the words switch from “dialing” to “00:01” the numbers ticking steadily upwards as it set in that George had answered him. He had answered. Shoving his phone back up to his ear with so much force that it hurt, Dream hesitantly let out a breath.

“George?”

“Hey, Dream. What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

George sounded groggy, almost as though Dream had woken him up.

“Oh, did I wake you up?” The opportunity had provided itself, so could you really blame Dream for trying to take the out while he still could? “It’s not important, sorry. I’ll let you get back to your beauty sleep.”

“No, Dream. Tell me what’s wrong. Are you okay?”

Dream took a shaky breath, too tense to be worried that George could hear. He had to tell him. It was just like Sapnap said. They cared about each other, and holding back the truth would only hurt him.

“I… George. I’m a bit of a wreck. Are you sure you want to listen?”

“I’ll listen to everything you have to say. Always.”

“So um… You know how Karl and Sapnap are dating? Well, I just. I was thinking, and… I want something like what they have.”

Dream was about to go on, but George spoke first with a slightly strained tone.

“You’ll get something like that, Dream. Don’t worry. You’ll find someone.”

“George, I.” Dream paused. Could he really do this? What if he ended up changing everything? What if he ruined their friendship forever? “What would you say if…” He just had to go for it. Get it out there. Whatever happens, happens. At least he can always tell Sapnap he told him so. “What would you say if I wanted that, with you? If I wanted to laugh with you just like always, but now I know that I love you and you love me too? If our long sleep calls meant more than just two friends talking? If I imagined that you were next to me when I couldn’t get to sleep?”

He took a deep breath, his confidence wavering as George stayed silent.

“What would you say to that, George?”

It was silent still, and Dream considered just hanging up right then and there, quitting his job as a Youtuber, and moving to New Zealand to become a shepherd. Then George spoke.

“Are you messing with me?”

He sounded almost scared. A tinge hopeful, but like it could all come crashing down around him at any minute.

He sounded just like Dream.

“No,” Dream breathed. “I am _definitely_ not messing with you.” He felt almost light-headed in his anticipation.

“Dream. I’d love that. I’d love to have that with you. If you’d let me.”

“Of course, I’d let you. I can’t imagine wanting anything more than I want this right now.” Dream could feel George’s blinding smile from across the ocean, and he could help but smile too.

They stayed on call as George settled back into bed, both content with the knowledge that they were loved and wanted. Both excited to see where their newfound happiness would take them. But they wouldn’t go public just yet.

They’d get there in time. Just like Karl and Sapnap did.

**Author's Note:**

> ev and i speedran this fic in like 4 hours so basically give us clout. we also made a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4STDFZznPYPDZ57MoroTqq?si=c-dGUaoISzWmGq2HR1wcTg) if that's something you'd be interested in! I really hope you guys enjoyed! please tell us what you think in the comments, i promise we cherish them forever! <3333 -miraculousmultifan


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